Really Cupid?

KindaBigDeal

KindaBigDeal

91% match, 64% friend, 34% enemy

I logged into my online dating account a few days ago, reading the random messages that came mostly from strangers.  The page is bannered by pictures of men and links to their profiles—men who would possibly be a great match for me. 

But there, at the top, was a picture of a local celebrity. 

Now, I knew immediately who the guy was.  He's in mass media.  I had, in fact, met him once when I was a freshman in high school, when my geeky classmates and I were taken for a field trip to meet this man in his place of work.  Q&A with the gifted kids.

"Who the hell are you?"

"How much money do you make?"

Ah, genius assholes. 

So when his picture popped up, I was a little intrigued.  I was also shocked to see his age listed as 45.

No fucking way.  He was a grown-up when I was 14.

I messaged a friend of mine who knows him, IrishCoffee.  "Oh, he's 56 if he's a day," IrishCoffee replied. 

I laughed about it and sent the screen capture to a couple of other friends who'd been in my freshman class. 

"Well, everyone on the site assumes you're lying anyway.  They'll automatically add five years to whatever age you post," one of my girls replied.

Later that night, KindaBigDeal's profile popped up again, so I looked a bit further.

"Holy shit," I messaged again, "we differ dramatically on religion and politics but would apparently have great sex.  I guess the site thinks I could sleep with him as long as I didn't have to talk to him."

"The more I think about it," IrishCoffee said, "this has to be a fake.  I mean, no one of that high profile would put themselves on online dating, especially not with their real picture and then lie about their age."

It didn't even occur to me that it might not really be him.  I know I'm surprisingly naive (and blond) sometimes, but the thought of someone else putting up a fake profile just didn't even cross my mind. 

This is where I have to be especially careful, too.  While I was painfully open and honest in my own profile, people lie all the time.  People constantly exaggerate and fluff their stories or their stats, but some just make shit up.  I have no idea what's real or not with these people.  Not only can I not trust that what anyone says is the entire truth, I almost have to assume they're really nothing like they say they are. 

So I didn't message KindaBigDeal.  I still really want to know if it's him, but I'll stay away.  There are enough other profiles to amuse me anyway.

NoWorries

NoWorries identifies himself as 56, white, and of average build.  He lives in Greenville, SC.  He graduated from college and is an executive manager.  Has kids but doesn't want more, no mention of pets. He's originally from Australia.

17% match, 69% friend, 33% enemy

NoWorries: G'day The comment [from my own profile] that got me was "I am not like other girls, physically or mentally. I don't think or act like most women, and my interests are often outside the norm. I would much rather meet people who are similarly styled in their desire to be exactly who they are, rather than what society tells them they should be."   Ladies like you are few and far between..  Loved it

StephQJ: Thanks. It's all very true.

NoWorries: yeah thats what I liked about you. The Q & A was no bullshit no crap. makes a refreshing change. Thats the way it is in Australia

Huh.  Okay.  Well, I have no interest in dating you, or really even continuing to exchange innocuous messages, but you seem like a nice enough guy.  I won't block you.

-LifeIsABitchAndSoAreYou-

-LifeIsABitchAndSoAreYou- identifies himself as 45, white, of average build.  A Catholic Virgo who attended space camp and is in IT.  He has kids and likes dogs.  He lives in a suburb of Atlanta.

78% match, 81% friend, 14% enemy

-LifeIsABitchAndSoAreYou-:  You're a trip! :-). Could you just go ahead and delete your account right now? I promise to always be the best man I can possibly be, not to win you, but to keep you. Forever.

StephQJ: Seriously? Does that work on women? Like, I'm really asking, not trying to be the snarky girl I can be.  And, yes, I am exactly like I say I am. It's a lot for most people to even pretend to handle.

-LifeIsABitchAndSoAreYou-: Jaded... Thats what's missing from your profile. Appearantly it doesn't, but if I say it to someone else, ill let you know how it goes. Personally, I thought it was profoundly sweet.

StephQJ:  Pragmatic, not jaded. :)

-LifeIsABitchAndSoAreYou-:  A true Virgo. Judgemental and exacting. I know because I'm a Virgo too.

Since you know me so well, you should be able to tell that I'm disengaging and letting go of this immediately.  According to your profile, you never enjoy watching educational programming (How can you call yourself a geek?!?), you're less mature than people your own age, and you're opposed to gay marriage. 

BLOCK!

Dork69

Dork69 (not his real name) identifies himself as 43, white, fit, from a nearby suburb of Atlanta.  Christian.  He doesn't post a profile pic, disclose his occupation or whether or not he has children, though he does have dogs. From his profile:

"I am a bit old fashioned and still believe in respect, loyalty and honesty. Posting a pic at this time would be against all of these. I have no patience for shallow people, you should never judge a book by its cover."

He sent me a separate message with a link to his picture, which I have yet to even view.

The site ranks our compatibility according to our completed profiles and questionnaires.

31% match, 61% friend, 30% enemy

He sent several messages about innocuous things before I finally responded, including, "Your profile makes you sound like an Italian." (WTF?!?)  He also offered to give me a great story to write if I ever run out of material.  (You already are, sweetheart.)

StephQJ:  I never run out of material, even when I'm blocked. I write what I know, which means I write what everyone else around me knows.  And how do I sound Italian? I am quite Irish.

Dork69:  Loud and voracious and a ball of batshit doesn't sound Irish to me...sounds Italian.  Do you date men who are shorter than you are?

StephQJ:  I sometimes casually date men who are shorter than I, but it's rare that I'm attracted to them. It's a thing for me for sure but isn't a necessarily limiting factor.   But I would never date you, based on your profile. Gay relationships and marriage are immoral to you. You're a Creationist. And you don't love giving oral sex. I won't argue any of these points with you--just cutting pragmatically to the chase.

Dork69:  I only love oral with the right person. Maybe we should casually date to see if I can change your mind..lol. As for attracted, I leave that up to you. I gave you the link to my profile.  I used to be atheist..if that helps. There is no need to argue, I never judge people.

Dork69: Maybe you should forget everything we talked about, look at my pic, see if you even think there is an attraction, then decide if you never could date me.  I at least am honest.

I'm honest, too, Dork69.  Regardless of your physical appearance (I'm refusing to check out his picture on principle now.), I would never date you.  You could be Brad Pitt, Ewan McGregor, and Jude Law all rolled into one hot mess, and you'd still be a dumbass. 

BLOCK!

Cupid, draw back your bow....

As I discussed on Muchness and Light, my friends encouraged me to set up an online dating profile and see what happened.  They were adamant that it was convenient and would give me the distance I wanted to rule out the potential jackasses who would invariably approach me. 

I quickly set up the account.  La Bruja, who'd used this specific site previously, told me to be sure to answer at least fifty of the profile questions, in order to be put into a better "pool" of candidates.  She also said that the more I was ranked highly by other users, the more quickly that pool would begin to thin, potentially bringing better matches. 

I answered five hundred questions, just to be sure. 

They ranged from my interests and hobbies, to my political and religious views, to my sexual proclivities and leanings.  I answered the question, then was asked what responses I'd be willing to accept from a potential date.  I was also given the chance to rank how important those responses or the question were to me. 

For example, when asked about whether or not I believe gay marriage is acceptable, I answered YES.  I would only accept a YES response from a potential match, and it was MANDATORY that they answer that way. 

When asked if I am a snob about some things, I answered YES, and I am willing to accept either a YES or NO answer from someone else.   

When asked if I prefer abstract or representational art, I responded that I prefer both equally.  I would accept either of the choices, or my own response, though the question was of little importance to me.  I wasn't interested in someone who checked that they're not a big fan of art.

On and on and on this went. 

I received dozens on messages the first day.  Some were just boring.  Some were actually kind of nice, even if the other person didn't interest me on paper.  Some were obviously from men who don't bother to read. 

I decided I couldn't keep all of this to myself. 

So Really, Cupid? is this place I'll be writing about my experience with online dating.  I'll also be sharing some of my favorite messages and exchanges.  I will not link to the actual site (for about a million reasons).  I also will try to steer away from using the other user's actual handle.  I know it's all online and relatively public, but I'm trying to be at least a little nice. 

Please feel free to comment and to share your own experiences with online dating.  This should be interesting, no matter what.