When my friend, La Bruja, convinced me to go ahead and try this online dating site, she advised me to answer at least 50 of the profile questions in order to be put into a better pool of potential matches. I answered 500 the first day, just to be sure. As of today, I've answered almost 1,200.
I was also very honest in my basic profile.
The worst part, though, was choosing the profile picture.
Rather than use my author pic, I went back to one that was taken over a year ago, just before the first of my plastic surgeries after my weight loss. It was a close-up of my face and still basically the same. Then I added two recent pictures, neither of which overly emphasized my breasts.
The profile picture is, unfortunately, your first introduction to a potential date. I'm generally not attracted to blonds or redheads, and I have a recent attraction to bald men. The pictures also give me a chance to see how someone's smile is, or if they've even bothered to think about this picture.
No picture at all – If I can't see that you are at least pretending to really be a man, I am extremely unlikely to look further. I don't care what your profile says, 90% of the time.
Bathroom mirror selfie – I don't want to see your phone, and I don't want to see your bathroom. At least find a dressing room mirror or something, though that might be kinda creepy, too.
Driver's seat selfie – Most women don't give a shit about how you look in your car. We can't tell what kind of car it is, so it's not remotely impressive. It still only lets us see a small portion of you, and it screams that you just don't give a shit, either.
Post-workout selfie – If your shirt is decorated with sweat stains, or if you're just showing off your pumped abs, try again. It makes you look like a mindless douche with something to prove.
Pics with your ex – If there's a girl in your picture, you'd better at least comment that it's your sister. Even saying it's your best friend might turn some women off. I'd also argue that women who have issues with their guys having another girl as a bestie are just insecure themselves. Even if you look great in the photograph, take the time to edit it and cut that bitch out!
Pics with your kids – People online are creepy. I know you want a potential woman to see what a great dad you are, but there's something a little weird about it. Don't show your babies off until you're really ready for someone to meet them.
Pics with your pets – Most of the time, they're fine. Every so often I'll see one of a guy letting his dog lick his mouth. Some women won't care. It grosses me out a little. I'll picture that if I ever do actually kiss you, and I can promise you it won't be good.
Pics in costumes – Okay, maybe just one could be okay. But multiple photos of you as Jack Sparrow or a stormtrooper or a little green man are just ridiculous. If you give off the impression that every pic of you was taken at Comic Con, even geek girls will be turned away. (I know. I am one.)
Professional portraits – Be spontaneous, dude. It might be the best picture of you ever, but if your best shot came from the Sears/Wal-Mart/Olan Mills portrait studio, you seem like a total fucking snooze.
Guys, seriously, take five minutes and do this right. If you're too embarrassed to ask a friend to do it for you, suck it up. Anyone who really cares about you and wants to see you with someone special will do their best to help you out—even if it comes with a little ribbing.
One more: dude standing on dock gleefully holding a dead fish. What's that all about, he wants a threesome with the fish? Proof that he's a good provider? Or likes killing innocent critters? Screening out vegetarians? Lose the fish.
Posted by: Essebee | 12/20/2013 at 09:15 PM