Really Cupid?

SerenityGeek

SerenityGeek is 48, male, and straight, from Lawrenceville, Georgia. His pictures are all variations on a theme--white v-neck t-shirt and the same creepy come-hither look, at different angles.

72% match, 83% friend, 18% enemy

SerenityGeek: Wow what a fun profile! Since I'm the type of person who attacks first(but in a nice way), lays waste second (also nice!) and picks up the pieces last to see if they can be put back together but in a different and more meaningful way( thirdly, no apologies here) I felt compelled (yup I used compelled interpret however the hell you will, cause I know you will) to message you.
I envy the writer part (my self critic is a mean little bastard and always seems to piss me off) the fact you're on your second novel is even more impressive.
So you are loud and voracious...voracious implies eating (food, reading,etc.) so is this an attention getting thing? It seems like you are making up for lack of attention..
I like that you're intimidating but that's more of a judgement on other people's insecurity isn't it? After all you can't intimidate someone who is comfortable in their own shoes (luckily I wear my little sister's shoes most of the time as they make me feel warm and fuzzy but when the mood hits I wear my own shoes, my favorite pair is my Spiderman boots, since I have matured and won't wear my Superman boots anymore( they also got a nasty blood stain on them)).
The disco ball metaphor has me totally stumped. Are you glittery? When someone shines a flashlight on you do you feel compelled to twirl in one spot? Do you prefer to hang from the ceiling wearing the Peter Gabriel suit with mirrors (an awesome concert btw)? I consider myself an unexploded WWII hand grenade covered with bits of post it sticky notes attached from passersby (Ha! Try figuring that one out!)
Loud, voracious, bat shit energy and shy...shy?
I too have issues about loading a dishwasher but I am comfortable with using multiple bungee cords to hold everything down (god forbid an earthquake hits during the rinse cycle)
I actually wanted to write to you and say your Breasts make me Pretty Sleepy, sorry but I couldn't keep it to myself. Unlike you I have my opinions and am not afraid to express them.
Once again I enjoyed the profile but sincerely I am sorry about the abuse you suffered in your life. The wounds heal but the scars are permanent. But you are nothing if not a fighter and it's nice to see you moving forwards in many positive ways.
Peace, Love and Underwear,
SerenityGeek

Dude is all over the place, and I'm not sure I want to know where he's been or where he's going.

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

IceManCumeth

IceManCummeth is 38, male, straight, and from Atlanta. He is also listed as seing someone. His profile says he's in Michigan for the summer to help some friends. "My relationship is healthy, but I enjoy talking to women about anything."

90% match, 77% friend, 17% enemy

IceManCumeth: I'm a Georgia boy that was taken from his true calling in life: treating a Southern Belle like a princess. I was born in Carrollton and wanted to play for that Yellowjackets football team, but alas, my Elvis-looking father convinced my Mother to move north to Michigan when I was one. I do know how to ice skate very well, which is a plus. I have a manly gate on the ice in hockey skates. My family went to the first Atlanta Flames game at The Omni before we went north. Braves and UGA, btw...although, if you're a Tech or Auburn girl, I would enjoy that, too. If it's Florida, not sure we could make it through the 'Cocktail Party' in Jacksonville.

I read through 17 pages of our question and felt like we could have a chance at an electric disco-type first date. I've always admired the disco ball, ever since teen nights near Michigan State University trying to impress with my moves. I have to brag on my dancing, it's one of my best skills.

I love to travel. I have already thought of strolling down a Savannah, Miami Beach, New Orleans, or Del Mar(I love horse racing) street with you and your tall wonder by my side. With your smile, I can assure you that my goal would be to see it as often as possible...I have a good sense of humor, I promise.

Look, I'm north, seeing someone, not the wealthiest man(code for having more heart than wallet), and I realize I need to clip my toenails. I have soft skin on my feet that don't bite you in the middle of the night, though. Just saying hello on this fine evening. I've always wanted a Georgia girl. Peace, Scott.

I debated for days about how to respond to this one. I really wanted to psychoanalyze him, based on this message, his profile, and his responses to the profile questions. Ultimately I decided to ignore it. Dude is undoubtedly a fragile cat, and I am wholly uniterested in getting scratched by IceManCumeth.

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

FunDude

FunDude is listed as 25, male, and straight, from Kennesaw, Georgia. His profile says he's finished with college and makes iPhone apps. His profile picture is a shirtless selfie taken in a lounge chair by the pool. He looks likes he stepped straight from 1982 and probably has a bottle of Coppertone oil next to him.

23% match, 26% friend, 59% enemy

FunDude: mine

StephQJ: Mine

FunDude: is that ok if i make you mine

StephQJ: Nope

FunDude: Please please i want a chance you are pretty

StephQJ: Puppy, I would break you.

FunDude: How? i promise im a good puppy

StephQJ: I'm really more of a cat person, thanks.

FunDude: I can handle you. Just watch.

StephQJ: I don't like to watch.

FunDude: You are playing hard to get. You won't be watching. Ill make sure you are in the action.

StephQJ: I'm not playing hard to get. I'm betting you're one of those guys who thinks "no" sometimes means "yes". It doesn't. No.

FunDude: You secretly desire me. Nothing bad will happen

StephQJ: No, you pretentious little fuck. I don't secretly desire a goddamn thing you have to offer. I can promise you I've seen--and better--and can get what little you have to offer in any hipster douchebag bar in this town. Go hit Cheshire Bridge and buy yourself a real pair--you obviously weren't able to grown any.

Gawd, the young ones are irritatingly stupid and pushy!

Posted at 06:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

GingerbreadMan

GingerbreadMan is listed as 35, male, and straight, from Norcross, Georgia. He says he's originally from a former-Soviet-bloc country but has been in the United States since 1998. When describing himself, he says, "I’ve been told I have an energetic personality and I laugh any chance I get. Most of the time, I don’t take myself very seriously. I love being outdoors (getting drunk on patios) ,my favorite color is pink and I sing in the shower. Now you know wayyyy too much about me."

53% match, 42% friend, 8% enemy

GingerbreadMan: I'm luring girls to my house with candy. Which do you prefer m&ms or gummy bears?

StephQJ: I have my own sweets, thanks, but I've totally renamed you CandyAss in my mind. Thanks for that.

GingerbreadMan: I'm flattered that you're thinking about me already but I think this is moving too fast :)

StephQJ: Hahahaha! Kudos! That made me laugh out loud. I'm still not playing Hansel and Gretel with you.

GingerbreadMan: Lmao. I'm thinking drinks and thumb war,loser buys icecream. You up for it miss smartypants ?

Nope. I'll run, run, fast as I can. I don't want to catch you, GingerbreadMan.

Posted at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

WannaBeMedic

WannaBeMedic is 42, male, straight, and from Dublin, Georgia. He says he's currently an EMT who is going to school to become a paramedic. He believes evolution has no place being taught in schools, that he tells homeless people to get a job, and that women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved. He also believes homosexuality is a sin, that gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry, but that it's really hot when two straight girls make out.

44% match, 37% friend, 37% enemy

WannaBeMedic: Wow your gorgeous

StephQJ: I think you mean "you're".

WannaBeMedic: Lol, correcting spelling huh? I heard the regular guys discussing that this morning. But I sent that compliment before, lol

I feel sorry that the Regular Guys have this one for a listener. I mean, they're everything I loathe about morning radio, but WannaBeMedic is everything I loathe about redneck men.

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What good is a photograph of you?

When my friend, La Bruja, convinced me to go ahead and try this online dating site, she advised me to answer at least 50 of the profile questions in order to be put into a better pool of potential matches. I answered 500 the first day, just to be sure. As of today, I've answered almost 1,200.

I was also very honest in my basic profile.

The worst part, though, was choosing the profile picture.

Rather than use my author pic, I went back to one that was taken over a year ago, just before the first of my plastic surgeries after my weight loss. It was a close-up of my face and still basically the same. Then I added two recent pictures, neither of which overly emphasized my breasts.

The profile picture is, unfortunately, your first introduction to a potential date. I'm generally not attracted to blonds or redheads, and I have a recent attraction to bald men. The pictures also give me a chance to see how someone's smile is, or if they've even bothered to think about this picture.

Bigstock-Illustration-of-a-Pinup-Guy-Ch-13669082

Here are the worst mistakes men make when choosing their profile pic:

No picture at all – If I can't see that you are at least pretending to really be a man, I am extremely unlikely to look further. I don't care what your profile says, 90% of the time.

Bathroom mirror selfie – I don't want to see your phone, and I don't want to see your bathroom. At least find a dressing room mirror or something, though that might be kinda creepy, too.

Driver's seat selfie – Most women don't give a shit about how you look in your car. We can't tell what kind of car it is, so it's not remotely impressive. It still only lets us see a small portion of you, and it screams that you just don't give a shit, either.

Post-workout selfie – If your shirt is decorated with sweat stains, or if you're just showing off your pumped abs, try again. It makes you look like a mindless douche with something to prove.

Pics with your ex – If there's a girl in your picture, you'd better at least comment that it's your sister. Even saying it's your best friend might turn some women off. I'd also argue that women who have issues with their guys having another girl as a bestie are just insecure themselves. Even if you look great in the photograph, take the time to edit it and cut that bitch out!

Pics with your kids – People online are creepy. I know you want a potential woman to see what a great dad you are, but there's something a little weird about it. Don't show your babies off until you're really ready for someone to meet them.

Pics with your pets – Most of the time, they're fine. Every so often I'll see one of a guy letting his dog lick his mouth. Some women won't care. It grosses me out a little. I'll picture that if I ever do actually kiss you, and I can promise you it won't be good.

Pics in costumes – Okay, maybe just one could be okay. But multiple photos of you as Jack Sparrow or a stormtrooper or a little green man are just ridiculous. If you give off the impression that every pic of you was taken at Comic Con, even geek girls will be turned away. (I know. I am one.)

Professional portraits – Be spontaneous, dude. It might be the best picture of you ever, but if your best shot came from the Sears/Wal-Mart/Olan Mills portrait studio, you seem like a total fucking snooze.

Guys, seriously, take five minutes and do this right. If you're too embarrassed to ask a friend to do it for you, suck it up. Anyone who really cares about you and wants to see you with someone special will do their best to help you out—even if it comes with a little ribbing.

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

BreakWind99

BreakWind99 is listed as 26, male, and single, from Pensacola, Florida. He only says he speaks English and never does drugs. He has three pictures, all taken in what appears to be his mom's bathroom mirror. One is so blurry you can barely tell he's smiling. One cuts his head off completely, though I don't think I'd want to admit to wearing that tank top or those fingerless gloves, either. The third features his finger prominently, if accidentally, in front of the camera.

22% match, 29% friend, 47% enemy

BreakWind99: Hot

StephQJ: Yes, Florida is hot.

BreakWind99: ur sexy

BreakWind99: Would u do me

StephQJ: You can't even type in complete, grammatically correct sentences. Your pictures are postured, blurry, half-bodied selfies taken in a bathroom mirror. I'm guessing you're lucky most days just to do your own hand, though I would never be so rude as to imply such a thing. Oh wait. I would just say it directly instead. Seriously? What the hell kind of woman falls for that shit? I can promise you I am not she.

BreakWind99: Im strokin it thinkin out u ridin

StephQJ: Enjoy that three-inch run, little rabbit.

Ah, silly rabbit, dicks aren't for kids.

Posted at 04:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

JeffyWeffy

JeffyWeffy is 44, straight, and married, from Raleigh, NC.

0% match, 0% friend, 0% enemy

The 0% on everything means he hasn't taken the time to answer any profile questions. He's also completed no basic info except for the fact that he speaks English and never does drugs.

JeffyWeffy: Cute profile. Hope we can chat! I'm a pilot, based in Raleigh, but I'll be in the Buford area in a few weeks. I'm totally new to his online thing but I wanted to say hello... [May 24, 2013 - 8:11 pm]

JeffyWeffy: hi. cute profile. hope we can chat. i'm a pilot based at RDU. i'll be in the buford area this weekend playing in a lacrosse tournament. totally new to all of this. wanted to say hello. hope i hear back! [May29, 2013 - 11:12 pm]

StephQJ: You're listed as married and have provided no details of any kind on your profile. It's not happening. [May 30, 2013 - 10:07 pm]

JeffyWeffy: so dang girl talk to me [May 30, 2013 - 10:12 pm]

JeffyWeffy: a lady priest. amazing [May 30, 2013 - 11:08 pm]

Dude, stop trolling the online dating site for a casual fuck. It ain't gonna be me. And get a profile pic better than a shitty reversed iPhone picture in a mirror. Or the one of you where you're sweaty and apparently sitting on a toilet. Ugh.

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Asshat007

Asshat007 is 39, male, and straight, from the North Georgia mountains.

81% match, 75% friend, 29% enemy

For some persepctive, I have idea until later that he's in California now for whatever reason. These messages go on over the course of a week.

Asshat007: Can we talk soon?

StephQJ: Probably not

Asshat007: Why is that?

Asshat007: Are u mean?

Asshat007: Just curious

StephQJ: Ha! No, I'm not mean, though I'm sure there are people who would disagree. Looking at the differences in our profile questions, we probably aren't a match, looking for different things and people. I'm sure you're very nice.

Asshat007: Hell I'm mean I'm a Capricorn I'm taller than u I smoke cuss like a Indian eat like a horse and I'm late for work in California I'm brian guess u are steph

Asshat007: So what kind of men are u seeking

Asshat007: Why don't u fly out to California

Asshat007: How can u go off those questions I'm a sarcastic mofo most of the time I'm making u laugh.. I guess u don't have this app or no smart phone??

StephQJ: Ha! Yeah, it made me laugh. I go by those questions bc that's all I have to go by for a first impression. I'm a Virgo. It's how we are. ;)

Asshat007: So can we talk now or what

Asshat007: I'm into big booty tall women too. So if you're unemployed are you at the library using the free computers to access yr okcupid!!

Asshat007: So if u wanna laugh text me sometime or call 404-###-####

Asshat007: Hey how is your day? Are u ignoring my messages

StephQJ: Yes.

Asshat007: Why I'm such a nice guy. We might be the perfect couple.. Especially I like too

Asshat007: So what are yr plans for the weekend

Asshat007: Maybe we can travel to exotic places

Asshat007: I thought Virgo meant nice people?

StephQJ: You are presumptuous, aren't you? Virgos are incredibly picky and detailed and often seem cold. I was suppose to have a date tonight that just got can cancelled so I'm going shopping instead.

Asshat007: Lets go to Vegas

StephQJ: Sure thing. I'll meet you at Hartsfield.

Asshat007: I'm In California meet me here

Asshat007: I'm 2 hrs from Vegas

Asshat007: any bbq this weekend

StephQJ: I think I'm going to the lake with friends.

Asshat007: Are u gonna get naked on the boat

Asshat007: Can we be friends

Asshat007: Guess not

Asshat007: Damn

Asshat007: Can I kick ur ass

Posted at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Random Douchebaggery - Week of 5/18/2013

TooSmart4U: I like the profile. Your pics kind of remind me of Pete Sampras' wife. Know her? She was in Billy Madison. I don't drink beer either...

78% match, 73% friend, 16% enemy

Not only do I not drink beer, I don't watch Adam Sandler movies. And are you kidding?

ThinkI'm007: Wow I really like yr profile can we talk

77% match, 78% friend, 30% enemy

If you could spell out an entire sentence, I might be more willing to try.

CyclerZero: Hello, After reading your profile I would like to get to know you and perhaps have the pleasure of seeing that spectacular smile of yours, in person, sometime soon. Reply if you are interested and we'll go from there

0% match, 0% friend, 0% enemy

Um, no?

AllenIsHyper: Hi, I'm Allen. I live [close to you]. OMG, You have beautiful eyes and smile!!! I love movies, especially action and horror. Swimming, tennis and camping are my favorite outdoor activities. I'm here looking for long-term dating. What movies do you like?

0% match, 0% friend, 0% enemy

Wow, Allen. My profile says I hate horror movies and am not into sports. Did you read it, sweetie?

ZeroAppeal: Wawwww , very nice pics , u r so beautiful ;) Hey , how was ur week ?? So princess , what are you looking for here ?? you are so beautiful , how beautiful lady like u n be single ? ;)

6% match, 21% friend, 53% enemy

If you're my option, I'll stay single, thanks.

Goofball70: You're freakin gorgeous!!!

0% match, 0% friend, 0% enemy

Um, thanks?

WTF: so sexy!

78% match, 45% friend, 14% enemy

Um, thanks to you, too?

ShadowPicGuy: Hello how are u I'm rob I'm from ga & I'm moving back soon

match 0%, friend 0%, enemy 0%

I'm not a tour guide, Rob.

FLLibDude: your beautiful wish we lived closer. Just a friendly compliment

61% match, 69% friend, 29% enemy

I wish you knew the difference in "your" and "you're".

CreepyGothDad: Thanks for looking at my profile.... What made you do it.. LOL... I mean you are a lovely and interesting woman.... and me... I am just a Geek Boy with with a good sense of humor and a somewhat evil smile... Anyway.. Hello..

93% match, 82% friend, 10% enemy

Dude, I looked at your profile to get a better look at that creepy smile. We might match well on paper, but you look like Charlie Manson's love child. In a kilt. No.

WantU469: Your very pretty... and I love your beautiful smile ;)

85% match, 75% friend, 14% enemy

That's very kind of you. You're a very attractive 42-year-old woman yourself. I appreciate that you're the front face for your "HOTTnHORNY couple" but I think I'll pass right now.

ABC5ft6: Wow, you are perfect. :-) I could spend hours admiring and massaging that fantastically lovely body of yours.

68% match, 79% friend, 20% enemy

Wow, you've never even seen anything put a picture of my face. I can promise you I'm not perfect. And I can promise you I'm not interested.

Posted at 03:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)