This is my 100th blog post on Muchness and Light. I felt like it should be something retrospective. The blog, and the writing that came over the last year, were all triggered by a line from Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (2010), when he tells Alice, "You used to be much more... muchier. You've lost your muchness." That quote sent me on a search for my own lost muchness. While it's been an amazing year, I've already written about regaining some of my muchness, and I didn't want to be too repetitive.
The search for my self has led me down an incomparably twisted and tumultuous path. Time and again, I've gone back to the idea of my life being about the journey and not the destination. DH pointedly asked me a few months ago, "How can you get anywhere when you have no destination in mind?"
I've often set out with a goal in mind, it's hard (and sometimes counterproductive) not to. But I like to be flexible enough to allow for a change of course when necessary, whether for literal or figurative reasons. I'm still moving forward, but to what end?
Finally, a few weeks ago, it hit me: the ultimate destination is ME.
The end result of all of this trekking is the truest, most absolute version of Stephanie Quinn Jackson. One of these days, my heart will stop and play its final beat. When that day comes, I'll know I've had my heart broken and my pride stolen, but the only person I'll truly have to answer to is me. I'm the only one who can make the final judgment call as to whether or not I did everything I could to be true—to myself, to my loves, to my life.
There are days and times when my choices fly in the face of everything and everyone around me. It's not always easy, and it doesn't always make me or anyone else happy, but sometimes being true, and being Truly Me, is hard. The easy path from Point A to Point Me isn't always the true path, and I've absolutely been known to take the easiest way possible. I've had to backtrack from that a bazillion times and go on the way I should've gone to begin with. What I found, each and every time, is that I would've been much happier, more fulfilled, and gotten just as far, if I'd just gone the right damn way to begin with.
So I'm not a finished product yet, and I'm glad about that. If I were done, if I were all Stephanie could be, there would be no point to journeying onward; I could finally sit my not-as-large ass down and just see what passes by me. Instead, I'm continuing forward and see what I pass by.
I'll be sure to send a postcard (or a blog post) or two along the way.