After the boys went to bed last night, I started to cry. Almost fourteen hours later, and I haven't stopped.
I've been on the phone with the girls for most of the morning, trying to get to the bottom of it. And there is a bottom—I can tell it's there—but I haven't found it yet. I know the freefall won't stop until I do.
There's so much going on right now. I'm worried about my sons and money and my neverending divorce. I have to find a job, but the boys were promised that I would still be there for them when they got home from school in the afternoons, that the basic logistics of their lives wouldn't change, that they'd still be able to do all of the things they've become accustomed to doing. With one of them having been sick for several days recently, I don't know what would've happened if I'd been working.
I'm worried about what I'm writing now, that I won't have it finished before I go into pitches with agents in November. No, I know I won't have it finished. But I don't want to do some half-assed job that turns out to be the chick lit that I hate. The story I have is good, and I can do it justice, but it's complex and intricate. It will take time to get it right, and I'm afraid that I will miss or outright blow an opportunity that maybe I don't have the right to even fight for.
Everything is in process. There's nothing stable or secure right now, and that is—today at least—unbearably frightening. With everything churning at once, it feels like I'm in a freefall, down some fucking rabbit hole that I didn't choose. This isn't like adventures before, when I've jumped in feet first and excited about wherever I landed. Nothing under me feels solid or safe. I feel scared like maybe never before. I feel strangely helpless in this moment, and I am not a helpless girl.
Today is one of those days when I feel paralyzed by own fears and insecurities. I don't feel hopeless; I know that what ebbs must flow. I am uncomfortably anxious about when and how that will happen. I understand the why, so at least I can remind myself of that, for whatever good it can bring.
There's nothing profound in this, nothing important in what I'm sharing. Muchness and Light has always been my outlet for writing about my own journey and the growth I gain throughout it. I try to share some insight with my readers, usually because I find the same insights through my writing.
Today there's nothing insightful. I just needed to get it out.